Is it all about the Brain?

[AbbeyKrause]

This week the SCCR were at the Edinburgh International Science Festival discussing what happens to the Brain during conflict and the impact of long term conflict on brain development. We also launched our new online quiz at the event Monkey Vs Lizard which is a fun and engaging resource to help people reflect on which part of the brain they tend to use when managing conflict with their family - Is it your reactive reptilian or your reflective mammalian?

Although the reptilian part of our brain is important, how do we begin to use more of our mammalian brain to manage conflict with our families?

Does anyone have some top tips?

[Paolo]

Hi Abbey and Alan,

First off: Well done Abbey on the talk. It was great to explore the quiz and learn some heavy-going psychology too.
Does anyone know where I might be able to see a copy of the slides. It would good to remind myself of all the details of the talk.

In my own experience I would say that the thing that helps me most in order to use my mammalian brain is that I appreciate its use and really want to use it. Following from this I can sort of engage in an improvised cognitive reappraisal - whilst mentally distancing myself from whatever provoked me I just view the problem in a more constructive , empathetic light, allowing me understand the issue more complexly.

Now the interesting thing here to me is how to really find that motivation; to be driven to use the newer brain functions. I guess for when I use this that I’m still driven by that developmental state of trying to understand social interactions like what was talked about at the lecture. Maybe my slight abstraction of arguments to be these complex puzzles also plays a role. Of course the reason I want to solve the puzzle in the first place is so that I can mantain a healthy relationship with my family members.

Of course this doesn’t always work. I often get stressed out when I’ve got too much work to do (it’s worse when I’m tired too) so I might be a little grumpy if I’m disturbed a lot by my family (we’re all a little like this actually). More recently however we’ve sorta come to implicitly accept that there are times when we should just leave each other be. This may not be a great example but it does suggest that sometimes the best thing to do is just to sort of agree to limits to abide to in advance when you know a particular thing can set you off. Who knows? It might make talking and listening a whole lot easier.

That’s me done for now. I’ll think of a response to your post Alan eventually.
Hope everything is going well,
Thanks, Paolo.

[Karen]

I love this quiz! Turns out I’m a lizard, so I know how easy it is for things to get heated. There’s something I’ve learnt to do which always works well and it’s this: I take five minutes. It’s sounds simple enough -sometimes it is, sometimes it’s not! - but it always works.

The greatest damage is done in the heat of battle. It’s when things are said and done that are sometimes hard to take back, because they are the things that really hurt. They hurt the people we love, ourselves and relationships. Five minutes can make all the difference.

I usually say something like, ‘I really want to keep talking about this but I just need five minutes. I’m not in the right space now but I will be soon. Is that okay?’ As long as the other person knows I’m coming back and not walking away from them, it’s okay. After five minutes, my lizard brain has taken the back seat and my monkey brain is back at the wheel.

It’s also a good way to give everyone the opportunity to calm down without blaming anyone or coming across as though you’re telling someone else what to do.

I love that we’re talking about this! Well done SCCR for starting the conversation.

[AbbeyKrause]

Thanks everyone for such thoughtful comments. I love that we’re talking about this too!

I have different responses too depending on the situation and who it is i’m getting into difficulty with. Perhaps it’s something about feeling safe with our families that allows us to have a more Lizard like reaction? What do you think?

Something that Paolo said really resonated with me around a desire to use the Mammalian brain. I really believe if people want to sort out a difficult situation this encourages a move towards something shifting. As a mediator we often encourage people to think about a difficult situation that may happen and help people to make a plan for how to handle it. Very often people will agree to just give each other some space. Is there anything else that works for you?

As Karen suggested this can be easier said than done! I know I find it really difficult to think about what I want to say if my Lizard brain is in charge. If I can’t say anything constructive I tend not to say anything at all which can then lead to further difficulty as it can be perceived that I don’t care. Thanks for the great tips around letting each other know that the conversation is important!

Does anyone have some other thoughts on managing the ‘freeze’ response?

[paulb]

After reading your question and Alan’s response, I was talking in the office about this and thinking about why we are so well behaved at work compared to what we are like at home. Someone said that they wouldn’t get away with what they do at home in work, probably because their loved ones will put up with more,
The interesting phrase to me was what I can get away with it almost implies there is this primitive lizard waiting for its chance to jump out which during the day masquerades as a domesticated monkey. Maybe its just there are deeper feelings in families which can be a bit harder to control .One thing I have found mediating with families which helps to move people towards less reactionary ways of communicating is to concentrate on their connection with each other, when they remember they are connected and care about each other, I often see more of the reflective mammalian brain in action